totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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