She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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