did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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