A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
