Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
