You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
