Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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