I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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