oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
