I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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