i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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