her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
