what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
