If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you traded sex for a burrito?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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