its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
