I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
