I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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