my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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