And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
