Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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