Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
