I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
