Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
