I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
