I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
