Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
