I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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