this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
