If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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