all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
