Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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