he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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