wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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