my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
