even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
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