those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
