I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize