he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
