you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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