well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
