Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
