We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize