I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
