God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
