I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
