if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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