i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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