I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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