There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
