I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
