walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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