We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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