I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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