I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
