I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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