I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
