we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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