this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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