i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think my moral compass just broke
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