Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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