K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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