I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
