im six kinds of drunk right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize