This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
